It’s been 120 days of Covid-19 quarantine and mortality and the legacy of life is fluttering in my mind. This week Grant Imahara, one of Mythbusters’ hosts, passed away. I grew up watching the show religiously after lectures, it was like PBS kids for my young adult mind. I loved how the show uses the scientific method to answer outrageous questions. I also really appreciated seeing an Asian on-screen as a principal cast member who existed for his talent and charisma –not just for diversity’s sake. I wish the best for Grant’s family and friends. Although I never met him personally, his public persona resonated with me and is encouraging me to imagine my death. Here’s how I want to die in the future.

I want to die empty.

Everything that I had to give was given. I want to give my energy and attention to the things that matter the most: relationships and passions. When it’s my time I want this energy to be completely depleted.

I hope that I’d have lived a risky enough life to not only make mistakes but also grow from them.

I don’t want to sit on the bench and watch everything pass by. I want to be an active participant in the one life I have. I can’t bare thought of neglecting or ignoring something that called for my attention. If I made a mistake in the process, I can accept that it’s merely a step in the process and an avenue for me to learn and grow.

I want to die knowing that I was kind.

Growing up, I felt that I was groomed to strive for a superficial idea of success. I believe that now all I want for myself is to be kind and considerate.

When I die I hope that I’ve done everything to show my admiration and appreciation for my friends and family.

I’m not very fluent in expressing emotions. Instead, I’m proficient with burying feelings and ignoring them until I self-combust. I’d like to reverse all of that.

If I’ve had wealth, I hope that I’ll have given it all away.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can help. However, money is useless when you’re dead. Therefore, if I have anything left I’m giving it all away.

When I die I’d like to have made a positive impact on the world regardless of scale.

I think it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with the idea of taking on a challenge. I’d argue that you could feel overwhelmed to the point of paralysis, which would then result in inaction. No matter how big or small, I want to leave positive impacts wherever I wander. Whether it’s picking up rubbish while on, being an active listener to a person in need, serving in a soup kitchen, etc. I just want to leave knowing that did well.

Although it sucks to be sentenced to staying inside for the rest of who-knows-how-long, lockdown life has provided ample opportunity for self-reflection and auditing life choices. I don’t expect myself to tangibly know what I want out of life once quarantine is lifted, however, I now have better visibility with how I’d like to leave.

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