Not A Starving Artist

Some nights you’re sure of things and some nights you’re wondering if what you’re doing is even right. Tonight is the latter. 

My meals today: 

Breakfast: 3 eggs

Lunch: peanut butter, kale, almond milk, blueberries smoothie

Dinner: apricots (2x)

I spend most of my time driving from location to location trying not to fall asleep behind the wheel during the process. Yep tonight I am a starving artist

I’m starting to feel less towards things or maybe it’s an emersion of letting go of things. All of a sudden trivial things that made such a heavy impact on my daily activities don’t matter anymore. —They sort of just float by unknowingly now. Maybe I’m finally growing up or maybe I’m just seeing a bigger picture for myself. Whatever it is that I’m going through it’s taking into a direction that I’m liking. 

I hope I never grow up. I’d like to let my child like imagination roam freely for as along a possible.

You have to buy the lottery ticket if you want a chance to win the jackpot.

I’m feeling that urge to become obsessed and drown myself with work and artistic inspiration. I love it. 

There’s no such thing as “I can’t.” “I can’t” is being lazy. When something doesn’t work for you —find other options. There are always other options.

I think I’m starting to see the line between “doing work” and “loving work.” As a creative person it’s an immense blessing to love what you do day to day as work. However I think it’s healthy to have a distinction between work that is merely work to pay the bills and work that is what you do for a living and will forever be in love with. 

With that said I’m glad to find myself beginning to write and conceptualize ideas again that feed my soul :)

It’s been a few months since I’ve worked on my own personal shoots. Sometimes the “grind” gets to you and starts to weigh you down. I’m glad I’m up late editing right now. I’m starting to feel that spark of inspiration and motivation again.

Let’s do this!

— HERE COMES A RANT

Hashtag spoiled. That’s what my friend told me I was suffering from. I’m spoiled in a way that I can’t help it. I’m in my twenties and am existing in a world that is driven by self induced first world problems. With our fancy cell phones, internet clout (pauses to check klout score), and instant over night success and fame it’s easy to feel that your entire world is completely going to utter sh*t when one small thing isn’t going your way. 

Here’s a picture:

There’s a girl tucked underneath some blankets in the dark with rainymood.com blasting from her laptop speakers to drown out any evidence that she might be crying. She’s frustrated. Frustrated because:

• She doesn’t feel like she meets up to anyone’s expectations
• She’s under the impression that she is not good enough
• She lives and thinks about her craft every single hour of the day
• Her family is telling her to give up on her dreams
• Her bank account is dwindling
• The people around her are getting older and rising to a good point in their lives
• She is even more frustrated because deep down she knows that all of the above doesn’t matter

These are a dark thoughts that are clouding my head not just right now, but about every couple of weeks or so. My sincere apologies readers if this post comes off as whiny or pathetic, but I got to vent and this tumblr is my place to do so. As time goes on it’s become increasing frustrating trying to “make it.” If you read, heard, or watch any of those motivational/inspirational/TED/….etc talks they all pretty much say the same thing:

“Work hard” “Persevere” “Talent” “Passion”

Everything they say is all fine and dandy, but easier said than done. As I continue my journey trying to somehow make ends meet I am very thankful that I can see myself growing and progressing both as an individual and as a photographer, however I am also greeted with new personal challenges. By challenges I’m not referring to something physical such as rent (although rent is always a challenge for anyone), fixing a car, illness, etc. My present challenges are gratitude and patience. Both of these are hard lessons to swallow because they take so darn long to really learn, understand, and practice.  

Here’s my real life example: 

I feel that after years of practicing and honing photography in terms of artistry, technical knowledge, networking, and even extending my misc. learning to film, marketing/pr, startup,…etc. I should be in a place where I could call myself “successful.” And by “successful” I would like to not live under my parents roof, not to sleep/live out of my car, not eat for fuel (instead enjoy food because it’s tasty), not debate whether or not I should hang up the camera and go find a traditional and stable career. I push myself everyday to do something towards progression. May it be developing a photo concept, reading and researching, meeting new people, helping out on another artists’ set, building a start-up,… Yet somehow I’m always getting knocked down.

Don’t fret though I pick myself right back up when this happens, but life somehow finds new ways to knock me back down. I won’t go into detail but I can’t begin to even describe how many times people have gotten way with not paying/underpaying me, stealing my photos, taken advantage of my “kindness”, or pretended to be your friend just to get a service out of you. When these sort of things happen it’s very easy to get discouraged and want to just throw in the towel because chasing your dreams hurts more than not trying to chase them at all. Now imagine being immersed in these emotions of “You’re not good enough” and “You’re never going to make it” then going to wherever it is that you’re supposed to feel at home and having the people who are supposed to support you (friends, family, etc) tell you that “Yes, the world is right you suck now give up. “

—— Here’s where the lessons come in

No, world you are wrong because I do not suck and I am not going to give up. Anything good and worthwhile takes a very long time to be good at. Then to actually make a living from that also takes a very long time. Therefore whatever it is that you do if it’s worthy of your love and passion for it, you must have enough patience to watch it grow through all the ups and downs. We live in a world where instant gratification is delivered to us right in the palm of our hands. It’s pretty much impossible to not expect this kind of behavior to not affect us in other ways of life. Honing your craft isn’t a matter of discovering some trick or secret that will unlock everything for you. Honing your craft is years of practice! And years is not 1, 2, 5, or 10 sometimes it takes 10+ years to really see your art take flight.  And takes okay because what we do is not a race and it’s not about the finish line. As cheesy as it may sound our art is about the journey: our trials, our community, and the stories we tell along the way. Patience is something we all need to remind ourselves to have.

Gratitude. Oh first world problems how you haunt us all! I think that despite everything burdensome that troubles our daily lives it all comes down to perspective. As I said earlier oh woe is me that I sometimes have to sleep in my car, but hey! I have a car to sleep in! We should actually be thankful for so many of our problems. Even the people around me who discourage me I should be very thankful for. Because they must really care about me if their investing time to worry about me and push me into a direction opposing my photography dreams. Yes, it sucks to be broke all the time. However I’m so happy and thankful that I even have the opportunity to risk being broke for eternity in order to chase a dream and make it into a reality. Our generation is very special compared the one prior. We’re growing up without major wars (ones where the draft and food rations would occur), political turmoil, or social injustice. The generation before us had to strive to do whatever they possibly could do to make money to feed  a family. They didn’t have the same opportunities to risk being different and innovate. It’s a different day for you and me, so let’s be thankful that every single day we can try to make something out of ourselves. 

Peace! - Melly 

— END RANT

Sometimes I question why I put so much effort into what I do. I feel like the  everyday grind is taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally, physically, and not to mention financially. I think every person comes to this runt every so often though: when you feel you’ve invested so much energy and have yet to see results. You feel anxious because you want to reach that point where you can be at peace with all things. The anxiety is heighten as well because as you are questioning the your own actions and decisions you’re watching your world go by. And the people that dwell in it seem to be moving faster and smarter than you are. 

I got to just remind myself that going through this is just part of the routine process of finding yourself and trying to make it. It’s perfectly normal and I just got to keep going. 

Let’s do it!