11:06PM (2013 Reflections)
What’s up Tumblr peeps,
It’s been awhile since I wrote a personal update. I guess that’s because usually only during the times when I have something emotively frustrating to release that’s when I turn to this blog. My apologies if this isn’t a funny or inspirational post that normally gets broadcasted here, please understand that sometimes it’s nice to have a cathartic release. :)
There’s about 2 days left of this year. And I can’t deny that it’s been a blessed year. Looking back I have nothing but fond memories. I feel I’ve grown so much as an artist. I can’t really describe the feeling in better terms than a sense of freedom. Imagine standing on the edge of a cliff and jumping without the fear of going splat. That’s what it feels like. Everything that I could possibly want is visible. —It’s not within grasps yet. But I can see it, feel it, and therefore anything is possible. I’m happy with that and I think I can safely say that I like the person that I’m becoming.
Another thing that unexpectedly happened this year that I’m also happy with is the growth of the relationships I have with the people around me. Growing up I’ve always seen people as something temporary. Friends, family, peers, etc. I’ve always looked at them as people who existed out of convenience or purpose. Once location, schedules or usage was completed people would uproot and leave you. In the past I had accept this as an overall generalization and reality of who the people around me were. I think we all know that this is a defense mechanism. If I never shared my life with anyone else, when or if they left I would never feel any hurt —because it was expected. Unexpectedly this view is changing. I honestly can’t say that I’ve fully accepted this change yet, however working towards it is progress, right?
As a kid, teenager, and young adult I’ve always blamed my upbringing for my inability to be emotionally available. Even at home around my immediate family, aunts, uncles, and my many cousins I never felt a sense of belonging. Especially in an Asian American family your expected to always where this strange mask, facade thing. The perception of being on top of everything, being perfect, and everything is always good. Couple this forced faced with a way chill, suburban, beach town upbringing and you get me. You know that scene from Garden State (2004) where Zach Braff’s character is tripping on drugs while everyone else in the room is moving at a fast pace? That’s the sensation I feel among blood related family members.
That same sensation I carried within myself for as long as I can remember. In college I’d tried to break the habit but my attempts were always half assed. In my mind the people that you thought you cared about would always leave you in the end.
Thankfully this year I think I’ve made bigger strives at changing. I’ve allowed myself to be open with others. To share moments and memories. You know the ones where you celebrate each other’s success or just simple moments of life. And we can’t forget about the ones where we’re all so broke and poor that you go walking up and down a street looking for coins for the meter. Perhaps this is what it’s like to grow old together. It’s like watching a story unfold except it’s real life. Damn I’m so cheesy, but that’s ok I like that about myself. Of course letting myself be more open also meant that got to experience one of my greatness fears: rejection and heartbreak. Nothing is more painful than being told that you’re not wanted. An heartbreak hurts on a variety of levels, I’m not talking about romanic ones. The feeling being lead on in any type of relationship and then coming to the realization that everything was a lie cuts deep. I found myself discovering people who would call me “family” weren’t anything but your typical “Hollywood” people. It saddens me because I honestly thought they cared. Moving forward though I’m glad I’ve got to experience this. Somehow it makes me feel more invincible. And it makes the people who are actually there for you even more special.
As I continue to look back I’m engulfed in a letting go spirit. Letting go of everything. My fears, my insecurities, my need to live up to everyone’s expectations, and the perception of being perfect. Perfection is overrated, fuck being perfect. Hmm I think I sound a bit hipster, oh well! I’ve noticed this year with any personality who “puts themselves out there” there’s always a seeming need to be perfect with perfect-relatable-flaws, a desire to inspire, and to be on some sort of pedestal. Given the growth of my blog and social media following in some way I’ve felt that pressure of perfection.
I’m saying now screw it. I’m not perfect, I’ll probably never be perfect. And that’s ironically perfectly okay. I’m never going to know if the friends around be are always going to be around. There’s not a 100% chance that photography will work for me. And I can’t even say for sure if I’m ever going to be more than a starving artist. But I’m okay with that. I’m more okay and accepting of myself than I’ve ever been. A sign of maturity within myself perhaps? Whatever it is I’m lighter than a cloud now. Everyday I get another chance to try and that’s something to celebrate. My situation might not be ideal, but then again not knowing how the story will end is part of the fun. I have amazing people that walk in and out of my life. I have a stubborn drive to do something creative with my life.
It’s weird because back in high school when the teachers would ask you what you’d like your life to be life after college, I would have never expected my life to be like this! In fact as a high schooler I probably would have judged my present self to have failed in life. “Not having a stable job, boyfriend, community, man Melly you suck!” said high school Melly. It’s funny because it feels like everything I’ve experience in the past was all prep. Like preproduction or training. Somehow it feels like my life is only beginning to start —like some bigger adventure is waiting for me. I’m romantic, I’m cheesy, I’m awesome.
Thanks to everyone who has walked with me this year. Let’s do it big next year!
I can’t wait for 2014 :)